I have the compulsive need to constantly explain myself to everyone so here it goes.
I dreamed of living in New York for my entire life. I dreamed of working in film and being on set, writing scripts and directing actors. I dreamed of this for as long as I can remember. What I didn’t dream was being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. What I didn’t dream was having the most horrific things happen to me in New York. What I didn’t dream was being afraid of New York. So many awful things happened to me in New York, things that would only happen once in a lifetime. So many good things but the bad things out weighed the good. A bipolar brain is very intense. I will have such high highs where I will write 50 poems and start writing books (I have written probably 20 unfinished books in my life). But when the lows hit it consumes me. It’s like a cloud swarming around me. so dark. so cold. And lately this darkness has completely taken over me. I cry every day in the shower. I have never experienced such dark thoughts than I had in that shower. It sucks because I have two amazing roommates and I don’t want to let them down so I keep smiling and pretending. And that is what hurts the most. this constant mask i’m wearing, trying so hard to be okay. So I am taking this semester off to focus on my mental health.A lot of people will say, “just stay in NYC and you will get accustomed to it, you will get over it”.My first semester was good. I made a lot of friends and I was happy. This is not a ‘accustomed’ thing. If it was then I would have been accustomed by now, i lived in new york for a year and never got accustomed. I was sick at home and sick in the city. This is a disorder in my brain. A darkness that is cradling me. At the moment I can’t make decisions for my self, so I need to be in a safe place where people who love me can make decisions for me. This sucks so bad not because I let my friends down, my family down but because I let myself down. I had a dream of being in New York but sometimes dreams change.
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